Social interaction should be an enjoyable experience. Here’s how you can both feel the excitement and the connection, which gives a boost in your feeling of self-worth because you are both happy and being in the moment.
What emotions will she feel if you spend the date telling her all about you and all the things you are interested in without her input? She will probably experience frustration, boredom, disappointment, maybe even anger that she has invested this time with the hope of connecting with you but instead she is trapped with a talking head. She could have had one of those if she turned on the TV.
Keep this in your mind:
dating is a dance between two people.
When she feels a part of the dance, you make a connection and you can both enjoy the experience.
In the beginning, try to find out what sort of dance she enjoys, verbally, physically, emotionally? You can tell a random story of something that happened to you when you were traveling and ask her questions about where she has traveled. Find out things about her throughout the interaction and share things about you also.
Here are some topics that will assist in guiding conversation when you are first getting to know one another. The game here is to find out about her nature by discussing general non-threatening topics that may be easy for you both to relate to.
Ask questions that will uncover whether she will enjoy spontaneity and change or if she will enjoy thoughtful planning.
- Does she like surprises?
- Was she the kind of child that liked to know what gifts or events were being planned for her, or did she most love the surprise at the moment of opening the gift or being taken somewhere unexpected for a treat?
- What emotions does she feel if she does know what is planned?
- Is it the excitement of anticipation?
- Does it prolong the experience?
- Do surprises thrill her or make her anxious?
These aren’t questions to ask by the way, these are things that you note when she is telling her story.
- What if you want to find out if she enjoys being physical or mental. Does she enjoy reading, movies, time at home? Does she enjoy going to the beach, cycling, running?
- What kind of movies does she most enjoy? Thrillers, romance, action, comedy? What kind of humor? Silly, visual humor or clever humor such as Sherlock Holmes?
- Has she traveled? Would she like to travel? Where and why? What cultures interest her? What does she want to see or experience? (This will provide you many clues about what you may or may not have in common such as fun/active travel, sun/beach resort, culture/history, amazing scenery, the arts).
By asking a few questions and then letting the conversation flow, you can adjust your communication so that she feels understood, and together, you make a connection. Back to the dance thingy: remember ‘it takes two to tango’, so don’t just ask questions, remember to listen and use the silence. This isn’t a job interview, this is a fun boogie. Too often we listen to people only to reply or to pretend we are sharing when in fact we are just thinking of what to say next.
Best to practice this skill on others so you find it natural when you are on a date.
Practice on your family, friends, shop assistants, waiters, whomever. You can improve all of those relationships at the same time if you do this, and that would be great too. This is all building your ability to be a better person/man/partner/lover.
You can dance with anyone. Just enjoy and get better at it.