When you are in a relationship and you don’t like the dynamics, you need to look at yourself and what you are doing, saying and believing that is contributing to this dynamic. You have to let go of any relationship conflict.
People have a natural tendency to fall into habits and comfort zones rather than attempting to change things up in relationships. There is a certain amount of comfort to be taken from being in a role that feels familiar rather than blazing a new path. You may even be mirroring a relationship from your childhood, such as the dynamics of your parents.
Are you being bullied?
You may see yourself as being a peace-maker when in fact you are being a doormat to someone else acting-out or having a tantrum. What would happen if you walked away? What would happen if you stood up straight and matched their energy with strength rather than lowering your eyes and accommodating their outburst?
Or are you being the bully?
As a child, did you learn that if you can’t cope with the stress it’s ok to yell and lose control, and those around you will give you loving attention in an attempt to calm you down? Maybe it’s time to put that child to bed and begin to place the needs of another at the level of your own.
How to let go of conflict
- Let go of blame – you are responsible for your thoughts and how you choose to feel about a situation.
- Don’t bring up old news – people have a tendency to group grievances together and this really isn’t helpful.
- Deal with one thing at a time, and I mean to deal with it – let it go for goodness sake and move on.
- Know your triggers – if you feel you really can’t control yourself then let the other person know that you need to go and get your head together so you can deal with it better. Walk away or better still, both go for a walk. Walking and gradually cooling your emotions but still dealing with a situation is often the best way. You are side by side, non-confrontational, and symbolically both walking in the same direction.
- Don’t generalize or over-simplify. If you are saying things like ‘always’ and ‘never’, then you are either lying or exaggerating to win your point. This undermines your credibility and is so very unhelpful at resolving an issue. Just be specific and a little generous with your words. If in doubt, be kind. Remember that you love this person.
- Put it in perspective – is it going to matter in a year’s time or are you blowing something up big for no good reason?
These are just a few examples in which you can change dynamics and have a better relationship. Can you take a helicopter view of the plays in your relationship and analyze which part you are playing and why? What can you change?
Great news is, people can change, relationships can change, and you can have a kick-ass life experience.